Should I Bring A Gift To A Memorial Service

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Most people don't attend funerals all that often. Knowing what to bring to a funeral can be confusing — even if you've been to one before. You might not know how to prepare for a funeral or memorial service.

Jump ahead to these sections:

What You Should Bring to a Funeral, Memorial Service, or Viewing
What You Shouldn't Bring to a Funeral

What you bring to the funeral will depend on your role. If you're part of the immediate family, you'll likely need to bring some extras, like a guest book or a photo of the deceased. (We can help you work through this and other post-death details, including grief, with our post-loss checklist.)

If you're a guest, however, it's sometimes unclear. Plus, the gift-giving etiquette around memorial services is always clear. In some cases, it even depends on the culture or religion of the funeral service.

While most funerals will only require you to bring yourself, here is an easy guide for what to bring (and what not to bring) to a funeral or memorial service.

COVID-19 Tip: If you're attending a Zoom funeral using a service like GatheringUs, you might not think you can give a gift to the family for the funeral. Although you can't bring something to the funeral in person, you may be able to send a gift through the mail, instead. And since the family will probably receive fewer gifts with a virtual funeral, your thoughtful gesture will go a long way.

Post-loss tip: If you are the executor for a deceased loved one, the emotional and technical aspects of handling their unfinished business can be overwhelming without a way to organize your process. We have a post-loss checklist that will help you ensure that your loved one's family, estate, and other affairs are taken care of.

What You Should Bring to a Funeral, Memorial Service, or Viewing

If you're asking whether you should bring a gift to a funeral service, the answer is generally yes. While a gift is not usually required to attend the service, it's considered polite not to arrive empty-handed. This is especially true if you're close to the family. Here are the most appropriate, common gifts to bring to a funeral, memorial service, or viewing.

Flowers

Flowers are the most traditional funeral gift. They're a simple way to honor the person who has passed. These are so common that they're even known as "sympathy flowers" or "funeral flowers" by florists.

Make sure you know how to send flowers to the funeral to ensure proper timing. You can bring a single flower or an entire bouquet. Here are the most common funeral flowers:

Lilies
Carnations
Roses
Orchids
Chrysanthemums

We like the Benchmark Bouquets Light Pink Roses and White Oriental Lilies on Amazon.

Sympathy card

Another simple gift option is to bring a sympathy card for the family. This can be with your flowers if you choose to bring a bouquet, or on its own. Deciding what to write in a sympathy card can be stressful, but don't overthink it.

All you need is a short note expressing your condolences. Sympathy cards are enough on their own, but you might also include one of the following:

A gift card for a favorite restaurant
Grocery store gift card
Coffee gift card

We like the Hallmark Sympathy Card (Beautiful Soul) on Amazon.

Food or drink

In many cultures, it's traditional to bring food to a funeral. However, this is something that will fit just about any occasion. The grieving family often doesn't have the time to worry about preparing or purchasing food for the reception.

Bringing your own dish to the service takes the pressure off the family. Make sure to pack your dish in disposable containers so the family can bring home any leftovers. Not sure what to cook? These are always a good choice:

Cultural dish
Dessert or baked good
Coffee and tea
Filling casserole or pasta

We like the Tea Drops Deluxe Herbal Sampler Assortment Box on Amazon.

If you need more suggestions, read our picks for the best meals to bring to a grieving family.

In lieu of flowers suggestion

Sometimes families make the decision for you about what to bring to a service. If you see an "in lieu of flowers" notice on the obituary, funeral website, or memorial announcement, pay attention. It's polite to give your gift in the form of the family's suggestion. Common "in lieu of flowers" options are:

Charity donation
Tree or shrub memorial
Funds to help with funeral costs

For more ideas, check out our guide on what to bring in lieu of flowers.

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Family photos

Do you have any family photos? If you have pictures of the deceased, these would likely be a cherished gift for the family. They probably want as many pictures as possible, and they might not even know your photos exist. Consider bringing:

Framed photos
Memorial album or CD
Scrapbook

We like the Golden State Art Square Collage Frame on Amazon.

Cultural norms

Finally, prepare for any cultural or religious norms you might experience at a funeral. In some traditions, there are specific things that bring peace. For example, in Buddhist funerals, it's traditional for visitors to send white flowers to the mourning family. Here's what you should bring for:

Christian funerals
Japanese funerals
Buddhist funeral
Hindu funerals
Mexican funerals
Muslim funerals
Jewish funerals

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What You Shouldn't Bring to a Funeral

Not everything is appropriate for funerals. Though funerals and memorials are becoming an increasingly casual affair in many parts of the world, it's still important to know what's appropriate.

For example, not all sympathy gift ideas are suitable for funerals. Some might be better sent to the family's home directly, while others could cross cultural boundaries. Let's take a closer look at what you shouldn't bring to a funeral.

Flowers

While we mentioned flowers were an appropriate funeral gift, it's important to share the specifics, so you avoid making a faux pas. First, flowers are culturally insensitive at Jewish funerals. Instead, the family usually requests a donation.

Also, it is appropriate to send flowers to the funeral ahead of the service. You shouldn't bring flowers yourself to the venue. Consider these factors before sending flowers:

Arrangement type
Funeral home rules
Cultural norms

Expensive gifts

Expensive gifts are not usually appropriate to bring to funerals regardless of the tradition. Most funeral gifts are between $20 - $100. Any more than that could make the family uncomfortable or distract from the focus of the day. Remember, it's the thought that counts. Sometimes the best gift is just your time. For instance, you could help with:

Setting up the memorial on the day of the service
Preparing or purchasing food for the service
Caring for or cleaning the family's home while they grieve

Loud electronics

Leave any noisy electronics at home. It's normal to want to have your phone with you, but make sure it won't go off unexpectedly. Similarly, if you're bringing children with you, pay attention to any of their electronics as well. Always follow these electronics tips for funeral services:

Keep smartphones and devices out of sight
Put all devices on silent or do not disturb
Be respectful with your phone usage at funerals

Inappropriate clothing

Another thing not to bring to a funeral is revealing clothing. Knowing what to wear to a funeral isn't always simple, but it's better to be conservative in your dress. Black is no longer a strict requirement, but it's still polite to dress modestly. When you dress for a funeral, follow these guidelines:

Sport sensible footwear, especially if walking in a cemetery
Wear black or neutral clothing
If necessary, consider religious wear, such as a headscarf or shawl

Children

While this will depend on the family, many funerals are not open to young children. This depends on a particular child's relationship with the deceased, but it might be a good idea for the child to stay with another relative during the service. When bringing kids to a funeral or memorial:

Ask the family if children are welcome before the event
Plan a quiet distraction for kids during the ceremony
Remove noisy or cranky children to avoid becoming a disturbance

Preparing for a Funeral

Knowing what to bring (and what not to bring) to a funeral isn't always straightforward. The art behind how to offer condolences isn't black and white. Many times, knowing what to bring comes down to the specific family or cultural beliefs.

The best way to know what to bring to a funeral is to understand funeral etiquette. From there, you need to trust your gut when it comes to helping a family during their time of need. As long as you're heart is in the right place, you're on the right track.

Want to learn more about funeral etiquette? Read about if selfies are okay at funerals and what to expect at private funerals.